用善意去理解身边的人,不为他们,而是为了自己

发布时间:2018-06-29 19评论 12730阅读
文章封面

Good-Hearted View:

The Secret to Interpersonal Happiness


壹心理翻译社 ◎ 荣誉出品
来源 | Zen Habits
翻译 | 彧
校编 | 搬那度

注:为方便具有英文阅读习惯和需求的读者,我们在译文发表的同时,附上了英文原文。在部分译文的处理上,我们进行了二次编辑,以求更接地气、更容易理解的表达,因此并非所有译文都和英文原文100%对应。原文链接可在文末找到,提醒有需要的读者留意。


As much as we desire being connected to others — good friendships, a wonderful romantic relationship, close family members — this connection always comes at a cost.


我们都渴望与别人保持联系,与朋友享受诚挚的友谊,与爱人享受美好的恋情,与家人享受天伦之乐。但是,拥有这样的人际关系,却往往要付出一定的代价。


We get frustrated by other people.


代价就是:我们会因他人而坏了情绪。


You know it’s true. You might be really good friends with someone, but then they get angry at you for some reason, or they behave without consideration, and all of a sudden, your mood is much darker. You’re not happy with them, maybe they’re not happy with you. Things can go sour very quickly.


也许你也曾遇过这样的事:本来挺好的朋友,结果不知为什么跟你发脾气,或者做事情没有顾虑到你的感受,顿时你整个人的心情都不好了。你不爽他们,没准他们看你也不顺眼。你们的关系很有可能迅速恶化下去。


This is such a difficult problem that you could devote entire books to ways of working out these kinds of conflicts and frustrations. But I have one technique that, if applied consistently, will lead to a lot more happiness.


面对这个难题,用整本书探讨如何解决这些矛盾和冲突都不夸张。但是我有一个诀窍,如果熟练应用,保证会化干戈为玉帛。



- 01 -

The Good-Hearted View

以“心怀善意”的观点看人


That takes some explaining, so let’s take a look at two ways of looking at other people:


什么意思呢?先让我们看看两种看待他人的方式吧:


The ill-intentioned view. When someone does something rude, you think, “Why do they have to be so inconsiderate?” or “Who does that?” Basically, you see their actions in the worst possible light, without putting yourself in their shoes. Most of us do this regularly without realizing it. Anytime you’re mad or frustrated with someone, this is what you’re doing.


① “心怀恶意” 的观点。当别人举止粗鲁时,你就会觉得:“他怎么这么自私?”,或者 “怎么会有这种人?” 说白了,你没有换位思考,就擅自丑化了对方的言行。其实,我们大多数人生别人的气时经常就会这样,只是自己没有意识到而已。


The good-hearted view. When someone does something inconsiderate — and I’m not saying their actions are justified — you can try to think of those actions in a good-hearted way.


“心怀善意” 的观点。当别人做了欠考虑的事时,你可以尽量用善意去解读。(免责声明:我并不是在把他们的行为合理化!)


For example, maybe they’re having a bad day and are grump — that doesn’t excuse their actions, but you can understand the feeling of being grumpy. Or maybe they were hurt by something you did (which you might not realize) and they are lashing out because of that hurt. That’s not a nice way to react, of course, but we can all relate to feeling hurt and lashing out.


比方说:“他可能今天过得不顺,所以心情不佳。” 这不是在为他们找借口,而是至少能让你理解情绪烦躁时的感受。或者,可能是你做的什么事伤害到了他们(但你自己没意识到),结果人家小宇宙就爆发了。这种应对方式固然不好,但我们都明白,我们一受到伤害,情绪就有可能失控。“心怀善意” 观点的核心理念是 —— 对方是你所关心的人,而他现在受到了打击。


So the good-hearted view is that this is someone you care about who is hurting. Forget the personal offense, think about their pain, and be compassionate towards that pain.


所以,你要忘掉那些冒犯到你的话,试着想象对方心中的苦痛,并对这份苦痛抱以同理心,即站在对方的立场,设身处地理解与体会对方的感受。


Let’s take a brief look at the ill-intentioned way of seeing things, then go into what I believe will transform most people’s interpersonal happiness — the good-hearted view.


让我们简单谈谈 “心怀恶意” 的视角,再来介绍 “心怀善意” 的视角。我相信,只有 “心怀善意” 的观点,才能给大多数人带来人际幸福感。



- 02 -

Problem with the Ill-Intentioned View

“心怀恶意”会招致什么后果?


It’s easy to see the rudeness, inconsideration and plain wrongness of other people. That’s because we’re looking at it from our own point of view, and thinking they should see things the same way as you do.


对我们来说,别人的粗鲁、自私与错误是显而易见的,因为我们站在自己的角度看待别人,认为别人的观点就应该和自己的观点一样。


For example / 例如:


  • They left dirty dishes or a big mess in the kitchen. Why didn’t they just clean up instead of being inconsiderate? You feel they’re not acting as they should.

    他们不洗碗,把厨房弄得一团乱。为什么这么自私不随手收拾?你觉得他们不应该这样。

  • They said something kind of mean to you. You have no idea why they would be mean, you’re a good person who doesn’t deserve that.

    他们对你说了刻薄的话。你懵了,他们怎么这么刻薄呢?你自己挺好的,不应该碰上这种事!

  • They are mad at you for some reason. You don’t deserve that! What’s their problem?

    他们出于某些原因对你有意见。你不该被如此对待!他们是什么毛病?


Of course, there are much worse things, but these are some typical interpersonal problems, and common reactions.


当然,有些状况比这还要糟,但是,人与人之间的交往过程中经常会发生上述问题,而且相应的反应也很常见。


These are natural reactions, but looking at things this way causes you to feel bad about the other person. You are frustrated, angry, offended or hurt. You build up resentment.


面对这类情况,这样的反应再自然不过了,但这种看问题的方式会导致你恶意揣测他人。你会感到沮丧,气愤,受到侮辱,受伤,结果渐渐形成积怨。


You might also react badly to the other person — say something hurtful or angry, lash out, ignore them, whatever your habitual way of responding to these things might be. This obviously will make them react badly to you, and now your relationship is hurt. You’re not happy, and neither are they. This isn’t a good situation.


你也很有可能会消极地回应对方 —— 无论是说负气伤人的话,崩溃,冷战,或者任何你对于这些负面言行做出的习惯性反应。很显然,这样又会导致对方消极地回应你,从而伤了彼此之间的感情。你不开心,对方也不开心;这种不欢而散的局面,对彼此都没有好处。


The problem with the ill-intentioned view is that it doesn’t help anybody, and hurt the relationship. Worse yet, it’s self-centered (you’re seeing things from your own point of view) rather than thinking about the other person (whom you care about), both of you, or your relationship together.


心怀恶意这一观点的问题在于:这样不仅帮不了任何一方,而且还会损害双方的关系。不过更糟的是,这种观点是以自我为中心(以自己的角度看待事物),完全没有考虑到对方(你所在乎的人)或者双方的感受,更别提你们之间的关系。



- 03 -

Solution: The Good-Hearted View

解决方案:如何心怀善意地看人?


OK, so the self-centered view of seeing the ill-intentions of the other person isn’t ideal (not that any of us are ideal!). So what about the good-hearted view?


好,既然 “对方肯定心怀恶意” 这样一个以自我为中心的观点并不理想(尽管尽善尽美很难!),那么不妨试一下心怀善意的观点吧!


Well, this approach tries to use empathy, to see the good heart of the other person, to assume that they are good people with decent intentions who make mistakes and are having trouble of some kind.


这种想法试图让我们通过同理心,发掘对方内心的善意,相信他们本意是好的,本性是好的,只是有时候会有烦恼,会犯错误。


For example, some reasons someone might act badly:


比如,一个人行为恶劣的可能原因有:


  • They genuinely didn’t realize how you would take their actions — from their perspective, there was nothing wrong with what they did. Your interpretation might be that they are wrong, but that’s only one way of seeing it.

    他们根本没意识到你会这样解读他们的言行 —— 在他们看来,自己什么都没做错。也许你会认为错在对方,但这只是其中一种看法而已。

  • They were caught up in their world, and weren’t thinking of how their words or actions might affect other people. This, of course, is self-centered, but we all do this, probably every day.

    他们沉浸在自己的世界里,忽视了自己的言行可能对他人造成的影响。这一点毫无疑问是以自我为中心,但是我们很可能每天都会这样做。

  • They are having a bad day, are in a bad mood, or are in the middle of a tough problem in their life. This causes them to react badly to you. This is not an excuse for bad behavior, but you can understand this, as we all go through it.

    他们这一天过得不顺,心情不好,或者正处于人生中的一个艰难的阶段,而这一切导致了他们迁怒于你。虽然这不能成为他们出言不逊蛮横无理的借口,但毕竟我们生活中也都遇到过困难,所以还是可以理解的。

  • They have a bad habit of reacting to people in certain harmful ways. This doesn’t mean they have a bad heart, but instead, they developed bad patterns when they were young. At one point, these patterns were meant to protect them from harm, but now they just harm others.

    他们习惯了用恶言恶语来解决问题。他们不是心肠坏,而是可能从小就养成了不好的思维定式。他们曾以此来武装并保护自己,但如今他们这样反而伤了别人。

  • They were abused by someone, or hurt in the past, and now they are worried that you are going to harm them. So they protect themselves. Not an excuse, but more of a way to understand people’s behavior.

    他们在过去曾被虐待过,或者被伤害过,以至于现在担心你也会伤害他们,于是把自己保护了起来。这样的诠释不是为他们开脱,而是呈现另一种解读他人行为的视角。

  • You did something that they took offense to, and so they’re reacting badly to something you did. Maybe you didn’t realize you did this, but that’s the world they’re in.

    你做的某些事得罪了他们,把人家惹毛了。也许你自己没觉得有什么大不了的,但对方看来并不是这样。

  • They genuinely were trying to do something to help you, but you took it the wrong way.

    他们只是想帮你,但你却误解了。



None of the above excuses bad behavior. It’s wrong to be rude, to yell, to be violent. But to act badly is human, and to judge everyone for their bad behavior means we won’t be friends with anyone. Ourselves included, because if we’re honest, we have to admit that we act badly sometimes too.


以上这些都不能作为恶性言行的借口。举止粗野,大声吆喝,暴力相向都是不对的。但人性就是如此;如果因为对方一个不可理喻的行径而对其人品全盘否定,那么将意味着我们无法和任何人成为朋友,包括我们自身,因为坦白说,我们都必须承认自己有时也会冒犯别人。


We’re not looking for excuses, but instead to see the good heart in the other person. Yes, they acted badly, but it’s with a good heart. If we can see this, perhaps we can see the other person in a more kind light, and react to them in a more helpful way.


我们需要做的不是刻意找借口,而是去发现并感受对方心中的善意。也许他们的行为确实有失妥当,但其实心是好的。如果我们能看到这一点,也许就能以更宽容的眼光看待他们,并以更有益的方式去回应。


Some ways we can react, now that we see them in a good-hearted light:


那么,既然看到了他们的 “心怀善意”,我们可以采取以下这些回应的方式:


We can try to understand them, maybe even talk to them about what’s going on. People often like to be heard and understood. Make them feel like what they’re doing is understandable.


① 我们可以试着了解他们,可能的话,还可以去关心他们生活中发生的事。通常情况下,我们都会希望有人倾听我们,理解我们,所以你要让他们意识到自己的行为是可以理解的。


From this place, we might also share how their actions affected us, without blaming, accusing or guilt-tripping. Instead, it’s from a place of wanting to resolve the conflict.


② 在了解了对方之后,我们可以告诉对方,他们的所言所行是如何影响了我们。千万不要指责对方,也不要故意说一些让对方感到内疚的话;相反,我们应该以排患解纷为出发点。


We might give them compassion for the difficulty they’re going through. Maybe a hug, or the appropriate equivalent — just a “hug attitude,” where we’re trying to commiserate with them and make them feel better somehow.


③ 我们可以同情对方所正在经历的艰难困苦。我们可以拥抱对方,或是用其他类似并恰当的形式来表达同情 —— 换句话说,我们要用个 “拥抱的态度”,去感受他们的感受,让他们能觉得好一点。


Or we might just feel the compassion inside, and not let ourselves get caught up in resentful or frustrated emotions, and instead, just leave the other person alone until they feel better, if that’s more appropriate.


④ 我们也可以在心里感受同情,不让自己被怨恨或挫败的情绪主导。有必要的话,就让对方独自冷静下来平复状态。


If the other person is genuinely harmful, you might need to get away from them (for your own protection), but with compassion you might not be so angry at them.


⑤ 假如对方实在充满敌意,你可能要为了保护自己而远离他们。就算如此,你也要保持一颗同情心,不去计较得失,也许这样就能让你消消怒气。



These are just a few options, but you can see that these actions are much more helpful for the relationship, for the other person, and for our own happiness.


这些只是一些可供选择的应对方法,但相信你已经可以看到这些举动不仅对人际关系起到了促进的作用,也大大提升了他人以及我们自身在人际交往中获得的幸福感。


You might say, “Well, isn’t this just rewarding or excusing their bad behavior?” That’s one way to see it, but I believe it’s more about not getting caught up in our own self-centered view, and not engaging in unhelpful and harmful patterns of thought. With the good-hearted view, we are more understanding, more compassionate, more likely to be happy and have good relationships.


你可能会说:“这不就是在为他们犯的错误辩解甚至助纣为虐吗?” 这确实是看待问题的一个角度,但我的切入点是要走出以自我为中心的世界观,不要沉溺于负面思考的恶性循环。只要相信他人心中有善,我们自己也会变得更加善解人意,充满同情心,生活得更开心,而我们与别人的关系就会变得更好。


The next time you feel difficulty with someone, try the good-hearted view. You just might find some happiness in a difficult situation.


下一次,当你在处理人际关系时感到头疼,你就要试着去找寻对方内心的芬芳。愿幸福之花在逆境中为你绽放。



英文原作:The Secret to Interpersonal Happiness (Zen Habits)

译者简介:彧,壹心理翻译社 | 译员。加拿大英属哥伦比亚大学心理学文学学士,现从事艺术文化相关工作。

© 本译文由壹心理翻译社译员与壹心理联合原创首发,供交流学习之用,文中内容不代表壹心理或译者立场。

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